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There is a myth going around in today’s culture in many parts of this world – that if your spouse betrays you, the best solution is to give up and start all over again. Upon reading some newspaper and magazine advice columns and after watching a few popular movies I found that the issue of forgiveness in marriage was viewed from a very narrow perspective. There is little desire for truth, love, or reconciliation and instead, revenge and hate are readily accepted. People are encouraged to put themselves first in an entirely selfish way. People are encouraged to think of what they want and desire perfection with little concern for others or their impact upon them.

 

Before I continue, I do want to add a disclaimer and make clear that if you are in a violent or abusive relationship, it is important to seek professional help. 

What does this mean? Should we then let other people do what they want with us? Do we have no control over our own lives? Let us take a most public example in Hillary and Bill Clinton. It was revealed to the entire world that her husband was unfaithful to her…more than once. She forgave him and they remain married today. For this Hillary was heavily criticised by ‘feminist’ groups for giving a bad example to other women for not leaving her husband.

 

After such a publicly humiliating situation, why didn’t she choose to have a divorce? Hillary Rodham and Bill Clinton met in 1971 while studying at Yale University and married in 1975. After 23 years of marriage, in 1998, the story about her husband’s unfaithfulness was on the front page.

 

For the lie that our young girls and boys are receiving is that forgiveness = failure. Forgiveness can be very hard, but the reward is far greater than the pain you may endure from the betrayal and far, far greater a reward than would be possible if you chose to give up altogether.

 

What would you do in Hillary’s place? 

 

The problem I see here is that we all need to go back to the source. Go back to the Gospel and see what Jesus meant when he was talking about God’s Love. Because that’s what forgiveness is all about – it’s why Jesus died for us – because God loves us and wants to forgive us. He loves us so much that he is willing to forgive us for everything we ever did if we would believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. God doesn’t want to count how many times you sinned and whether you meant to sin or not, he doesn’t care what the world thinks of what you’ve done – it’s forgiven and then he doesn’t hold on to it to remind you of it later to make you feel bad. Jesus called upon us to love each other in the same way. The same way that God loves us.

 

Because many people don’t understand what kind of love Jesus was talking about… 1 Cor. 13 is very clear about what love is – and in marriage and all our lives, it is a reference that we all need to regularly check ourselves against. You will find that forgiving your partner is more about you than about them. It will liberate you and you will find that your relationship will always be stronger afterward.

The true success of forgiveness is when we see that this is possibly the cornerstone of our faith as Christians.

 

Rev. Atteby

This is what you are to say to Joseph: I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly. ‘Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father.’ When their message came to him, Joseph wept”. Genesis 50:17

How many among us were treated like Joseph? How many among us went through the difficulties Joseph experienced? But even knowing everything Joseph endured, his father asked him to forgive. The letter does not say that the father forced his other children to say sorry to Joseph. When Joseph saw the words of his dead father, he wept and “reassured” his siblings telling them “don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children”.

 

We are not called to forgive persons who caress us but those who have hurt us. The strength of a Christian resides in how to love and to continue to love even when they have been hurt through disappointments, sufferings, and aggressions that offend their personal feelings, doctrines, beliefs etc. Regardless how often one has been hurt, we must forgive. That is the message that Christ teaches in Luke 17:3-4 ‘If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying “I repent,” you must forgive them.’

The imperative form is the One that we all follow as Christians use here to tell us to forgive. As we read the Bible, we know that Jesus-Christ did not use the imperative form very often apart from the casting out of demonic spirits and healing people. But here in this teaching, He makes usage of this form of speech to show that Forgiveness is paramount in his whole message. This emphasis is in the Book of Matthew when His disciples asked Him to teach them how to pray. The only passage in this prayer that refers to alterity, (otherness) is forgiveness: “forgive me as I forgive others”.

This is a prayer that most of us repeat since our childhood, but do we understand now as adults that what Christ says here is that we should not ask for God’s forgiveness if we have not learnt to forgive others who hurt us? Many might intentionally escape this part of Christ’s Prayer in their mind, although it is, and continues to be, a paramount confession during our prayer moment. As we pray to God, we confess that we forgive others. But do we really forgive others, or are we intentionally lying to God, our Father?

In any case, it remains that each of us is individually responsible to answer this question, but if we are sincere, and if being Christian really means followers of Christ to us, then we need to take forgiveness very seriously. For it is revealing our intrinsic nature, the expression of our capability to love.

Our ontological process as Christians relates to sin as being intrinsic to our human nature. Since Adam and Eve, we are sinners. And “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us”. 1 John 1:8

Now if we recognise ourselves as being sinners what is the next step to consider?
For any healthy common sense, if we acknowledge that we are sinners, then the next thing to do is to consider Forgiveness. For when one stops only at the acceptance of being a sinner but does not do enough to forgive properly when hurt, then such a person is like a slave who owed his master money and went to him to ask for redemption, but himself refused to accept to reduce the debts that others owed him. Such a person is not authentic according to the Bible.

The authenticity that Jesus teaches us is to do to others what we would wish to be done to us. So now, if one expects to be forgiven after hurting others but refuses to consider forgiving others when they have been offended, isn’t it clear that such a person needs to learn what Christianity is about. The Bible does not teach us as being the gravity of the universe, but to love others as we love ourselves. What it implies is that we need to love ourselves, and through the love that we have for ourselves, understand that loving others is a necessity in our lives. And if love is a necessity then forgiveness is an essential step in human relationships.

So now some might think that they do not love themselves. They think that they hate themselves. But the answer to such depressive thoughts is that if they hate themselves it is because they are Christians yet. If Jesus did not consider self-love as being a great commandment of the relationship between us and others, He would not state in Mark 12:31 that you should “Love your neighbour as yourself”. The assertion of the Son of God implies that being Christian requests introspection, acceptance of being a sinner, being attached to Jesus; who opens us up to love, so that we are able to love ourselves even knowing that we are sinners; this way we know to forgive and love others regardless of what they have done to us.

When put down in this form, some might think that forgiveness is an unachievable ideal. But the recent history of South Africa proved that not only individuals but even an entire country can forgive. When Apartheid was the daily suffering of South Africans every analyst in the world thought that the end of the brutal and racist System would come only through bloodshed, but Apartheid was defeated without bloodshed. Nelson Mandela, Desmond Tutu, and the majority of the society decided to forgive, and give each other the only power that strengthens humans: Love.

In the following pages of this month’s issue, we will conduct you through different testimonies of Forgiveness. Since Archbishop Desmond Tutu has been a living icon that proves that forgiveness works, we dedicate our main article to him, and we pray to God that every page of this magazine should help you to improve your capabilities to forgive others.

Daniel Atteby

What do you do when you have a problem you need solving? I will admit that sometimes I’ll go to Google for answers to some of my concerns. I will type in my question in that little rectangle, add ‘Christian’ on the end for good measure and hope to find an answer. Admittedly, this can be very dangerous and sometimes – but this is normal with most questions asked, even when we ask people instead of search engines – I only end up with more unanswered questions.

So my latest issue concerned a couple of people who I was really struggling to forgive. The problem is that I don’t really know these people and when I searched for what I thought was a common problem; I found the opposite seemed to be true for the rest of the internet universe. You see I found it really difficult to forgive someone I did not know very well and easier to forgive someone who I had known for a long time and love very much.  I just assumed that everyone would find it easier to forgive a person with who they have had mostly positive experiences and had invested a lot of emotional and spiritual energy in building a relationship together. While with a person who I don’t know very well and have shared very little together, I don’t see what there is to repair.  There is nothing good that I can associate with that person. In terms of actual relationships, I couldn’t see what I had to lose by not forgiving them.  So why was it easier for everyone else to forgive these people and not their children, spouses, old friends, or parents?

In hindsight, I can see that of course, neither way is more right, but I wondered if the reason I found more answers to the question I wasn’t asking had something to do with our culture. It seems that when there is a problem with another person, the answer from society is to give up and start again somewhere else.  Especially with marriages – even couples who have been married for decades are divorcing at an ever-increasing rate. Many of us have been educated to quit.

So after having established that I had somehow overcome the lie that quitting is the answer and was feeling mildly pleased that I hadn’t succumbed to the world’s logic concerning this matter, I had to admit that Jesus didn’t teach us to only forgive those with whom we had an emotional and spiritual investment. I tried to reason that I had at least forgiven the more important person in my life, so not forgiving the other less non-important person was just a small sin.  But I struggled in my heart because I knew that there was no measuring stick for forgiveness. Jesus Christ taught: “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:14-15).

We need to act in Love, Jesus said that the greatest command was that we should love each other. And 1 Corinthians 13:5 states that love “…keeps no record of wrongs…”  In fact, Christianity itself is based on forgiveness.  So how can I justify leaving out this ‘small’ forgiveness? Why was this so hard for me?

Others would say that it is easier to forgive someone you don’t know well for the same reason that I find it difficult.  Because there is no connection because the person you know best should be the one you can trust and it is normal for someone you don’t really know well to hurt you because they don’t really know you either.  But the question I always wanted to ask the person I didn’t know well is why? What did I do to them that made them want to hurt me?  Was that even their intention?  What was their intention?  Do they feel bad about what happened?  But what good would it do me to know the answers to these questions?  Surely people have all kinds of issues in their life – these answers weren’t going to make me feel better because what I really wanted was justice. Being angry would not bring me justice, I had to trust God.

Ultimately I came to realise that I had to let go of my anger and admit that small or not, if I didn’t forgive these people it would be me who would suffer. Charles Spurgeon, inspired by Song of Songs 2:15, put it very well, “A little thorn may cause much suffering. A little cloud may hide the sun. Little foxes spoil the vines, and little sins do mischief to the tender heart. These little sins burrow in the soul and make it full of that which is hateful to Christ, that he will hold no comfortable fellowship and communion with us. A great sin cannot destroy a Christian, but a little sin can make him miserable.”

This so-called ‘little’ sin I was holding on to by not forgiving these people was making me miserable. So check yourself and be sure that you are not holding on to what you think are ‘little’ sins or they will eat away at you slowly until you realise one day that you’re not connected to Jesus anymore.  “If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.” (John 15:6)

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Sara Atteby: Is it possible to be indifferent?

If you don’t love someone, do you then by default hate them? What else is there? Is there a middle ground? To like?

First, what is not love? Using 1 Cor. 13:4-8 as our guide ‘not love’ is not patient, not kind, it boasts, it is proud, it dishonours others, it is self-seeking, it is easily angered, it keeps a record of wrongs. It delights in evil and does not rejoice with the truth. It never protects, never trusts, never hopes, never perseveres. It fails. ‘not love’ is a failure.

If you are computer literate and used to computer operating systems, surely you have already encountered or heard about Ubuntu, a free, open-source operating system. That’s certainly not the meaning we would like to address in this magazine, even if we are confident that the name of the computer operating system is inspired by the South African concept Ubuntu from the Bantu language.

As we devote this month’s topic to ‘forgiveness’, it is important to know already from the beginning, that we think with a deep conviction that forgiveness is not an empty philosophical concept or an unachievable ideal. On the contrary, it is even achievable daily.  The Bible tells us that it is possible and it is a paramount criterion for those willing to have a better relationship with God.

In Luke 17 Jesus makes it clear that Forgiveness a must. He doesn’t say we should forgive. He clearly states that we must forgive. But as we know, some people still believe that the Bible is the same as a Märchenbuch (Fairy Tale Book) of the German Grimm Brothers.

The metamorphosis of South African society from Apartheid to the Democratic Republic without bloodshed, gives us the evidence that Forgiveness is humanly achievable when hearts are prepared for love and not hate. Apartheid based its whole survival on hate and division but as people in Africa say, as long as to be the night, the day will raise. When the day of Love rose, nobody needed violence to get rid of the long years of racism. Love is just stronger than Hate.

In South Africa, Forgiveness was made possible because it was preceded by their ethical and anthropological philosophy called Ubuntu, a way to think that got its ‘Lettres de noblesse’ internationally accepted through President Nelson Mandela and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. Nelson Mandela thought that Ubuntu was the only political philosophy to adopt for a country made of different races, religions, social classes, etc. Mandela understands Ubuntu as being a practice of generosity and hospitality. It is the way one relates to others; family members and close friends as well as unknown foreigners. He then based his politics on this philosophy to help people to accept each other as humans of the same country, forgiving what might have hurt them personally in the past. For President Mandela, his History lies in Ubuntu, so it was evident this would be the cement for the future.

On his side, Archbishop Desmond Tutu integrated the biblical image of God into the understandings of Ubuntu.  In his view, Ubuntu is the essence of being human in our interconnectedness. It speaks particularly about the fact that you can’t exist as a human being in isolation. You can’t be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality – Ubuntu – you are known for your generosity. We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another, whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole World. When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity.”

Ubuntu teaches us to look beyond ourselves – and in so doing, to become more fully human.  “I am, because you are and how I behave impacts not only on me but also others around me because we all belong together.” So a person with Ubuntu is generous, thoughtful, and respectful towards others, appreciating the differences that together make us greater than the sum of our parts! Ubuntu is the essence of being a person. It means that we are people through other people. We cannot be fully human alone. We are made for interdependence, we are made for the family. When you have Ubuntu, you embrace others. You are generous, compassionate. None of us comes into the world fully formed. We would not know how to think, or walk, or speak, or behave as human beings unless we learned it from other human beings. We need other human beings to be human. I am because other people are. A person is entitled to stable community life, and the first of these communities is the family.”

“A person with Ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not feel threatened that others are able and good, for he or she has a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished when others are tortured or oppressed.”

“If the world had more Ubuntu, we would not have war. We would not have this huge gap between the rich and the poor. You are rich so that you can make up what is lacking for others. You are powerful so that you can help the weak, just as a mother or father helps their children.” 
For the South African Archbishop, the true Ubuntu is achievable when we understand the meaning of being the image of God.

The South African Cleric does not understand the fact that some might see Ubuntu as an exotic conception “if it is true as we claim that we are created in the Image of God! Christians believe that this God is not solitary or alone but incredibly, we are made in the image of a God who is relationship”. A God, who is rich in mercy as Paul teaches it in Ephesians 2:4. For Desmond Tutu, “The intrinsic nature of this idea is that it comes with a package – you, me, we, those poor people that make you want to pinch your nose when you go past them – that person is created in the Image of God.  I, you, me, each one of us is essential.” 

So since we accept that we are made in the image of God, We must therefore accept to be merciful and apply forgiveness with dignity according to Jesus’ command in Luke 17:4:
“‘If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them.  Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying “I repent,” you must forgive them.”

Pastor Daniel Atteby